Barrister Parvateesam

“Tell me at leisure about your country, your customs, your marriages, and all the background that leads up to them. Don’t be afraid that I’ll rush you off to church from here in a hurry,” she said.

“There’s no such fear, madam! I only said this is all new to me, not that I’m a coward! Perhaps, in time, I might get used to these luxuries, but I do worry whether I might get carried away beyond that. Besides, these decisions and their consequences are not entirely in our hands,” I replied.

So, for a long while, she lay in my lap, fiddling with the buttons on my coat, pinching my cheeks, while I stroked her curls and spoke of my homeland, our marriage traditions, and customs. We sat thus for quite some time, and then, calling it a night, I got up. Right there, we embraced and kissed, and then set off for home.

Even after returning home, I felt no inclination to read anything. A peculiar restlessness, a strange anxiety, began to stir within me. What is this state? Is it proper or improper? For a long time, I wrestled with these questions.

This is a habit instilled in me by my father and elders since childhood. Whatever the task, they would always say it’s necessary to weigh the pros and cons, to discern what is right and wrong, to consider the consequences and benefits before acting. That habit has become ingrained in me. Whether I am qualified to make such decisions or not, I do my best to follow this approach. Sometimes, this tendency is a bit troublesome, but on the whole, I think it serves me well.

As I reflected, it felt as if the girl who spent the evening with me was still sitting there within me. Her words from earlier, her latest remarks, her touch, her form, her gaze, the fragrance her body left behind—all these mingled together and cast a kind of intoxication over me. My independence, my imagination, all seemed to have deserted me. While she was in my lap, I couldn’t think of anything at all. This whole experience was entirely new to me. In our country, young men of my age rarely have such experiences, do they?

It’s been nearly two years since I arrived here, yet I haven’t become even remotely close to any girl of my own age. Now and then, the neighbor’s daughter would come over, play some mischief, and once or twice, either she kissed me or I kissed her—purely in the spirit of childish playfulness, nothing more. I would immediately forget about it, never feeling any further excitement or emotion.

But with this girl, I find myself unable to remain calm. I’m in a state where I can’t even guess where this is all heading. I have no idea what her intentions are. Does she simply wish to seize whatever pleasure she can whenever the opportunity arises, or is she trying to provoke me and lead me all the way to marriage? Until now, I’d assumed from her words that she wasn’t just a mischievous girl. But if her only aim was mischief, why would she ignore all the men of her own race and seek me out? I’m utterly confused, unable to make sense of anything.

And as for thinking about my own position—well, in this heat, I can’t seem to think at all. I don’t believe I harbor any wicked intention to simply take advantage of the opportunity and then abandon her. So what should I do in such a situation? Should I make up some excuse and avoid the girl altogether? Or should I just meet her and see what happens, taking things as they come? Or, if the matter of marriage arises, shouldn’t I first make up my own mind about what I want?

In matters like these, should one make decisions alone, or is it better to seek advice from friends? I spent the whole night unable to sleep, pondering these questions. At last, I resolved to consult my friend Raju or someone else, and finally, at dawn, I managed to get a little sleep and woke up the next day as usual.

With sunrise, all my nighttime worries vanished like the darkness itself. Even the idea of consulting Raju faded into the background. Instead, it struck me that it would be better to consult my private tutor, a native of this country. Surely, he would be able to give me the right advice. So, after finishing my morning routine, I went straight to my tutor’s house. He was overjoyed to see me.

“Hello, Sam! What brings you here so early in the morning? There must be something special.”

Barrister Parvateesam

“Though you live here, you’re not in the habit of dropping by like this. I can hardly believe you’ve come solely out of affection or respect for me. Perhaps our conversation will flow better if we both have some tea first—what do you say?” he asked.

“I have nothing to say against that, sir. Our elders always tell us that a teacher’s command must be obeyed without question. In matters such as these, your word is law,” I replied.

Just then, the tea arrived. Smiling, he handed me a cup. After we finished our tea and sent the cups away, we sat in silence for a couple of minutes. Then he said, “Well, Same! What’s the matter? You look troubled. I can tell from your face that something’s weighing on your mind. You know you can count on me for any help I can give, don’t you? Come now, tell me what’s bothering you.”

“That’s exactly why I’ve come, sir—to seek your advice. This is a purely personal matter, not something I can discuss with just anyone. But why should I fear to approach someone like you? So I’ve come to you boldly,” I began, and slowly recounted everything—how I’d recently become acquainted with a certain young