At first, I suspected nothing, feared nothing; I believed I was surrendering myself to the country. What an overwhelming ecstasy there is in complete surrender! That day, for the first time, I discovered that the greatest joy lies in one’s own ruin.

I do not know—perhaps, in this way, through a vague emotion, this intoxication might have faded away by itself one day. But Sandipbabu could not let that happen; he made himself so vivid, so unmistakably present. The cadence of his words seemed to touch me, to brush against me; the gaze of his eyes seemed to beg at my feet. Yet within all this, there was such a terrible force of will, as if he were a ruthless bandit, seizing me by the hair and dragging me away.

I will speak the truth: this tempestuous incarnation of desire pulled at my heart day and night. It began to seem so alluring—to utterly destroy myself! How much shame, how much fear there was in it, yet how piercingly sweet!

And there was no end to my curiosity—about a man I did not truly know, a man I could not be certain of, a man whose...

Power is immense—the mystery of the turbulent desire of a man whose youth blazes with a thousand flames—how fierce, how vast it is! I could never have imagined it. The sea that was once far away, whose name I had only heard on the pages of books—now, in a ravenous flood, crossing all barriers in between, it surged and crashed at my very feet, where I wash dishes and draw water at the back steps, spilling its foam before me, laying its infinity at my feet!

At first, I began to revere Sandipbabu, but that reverence was swept away—I do not respect him, in fact, I even feel a kind of disrespect for him. I have understood very clearly that he cannot be compared to my husband. And this too, if not at first, then gradually I have come to know—that what seems like manliness in Sandip is nothing but restlessness.

Yet, this veena of mine, fashioned from my own flesh and blood, my thoughts and feelings, began to play in his hands. I want to hate that hand, and this veena as well—but the veena played on. And when my days and nights became filled with that music, then compassion and mercy deserted me. In the depths of that melody, my every nerve, every wave of my blood, told me: you too must be swept away, and let everything that is yours be swept away as well.

There is no longer any doubt in my mind that there is something within me—what shall I call it!—for which I feel it would be better if I were dead.

Whenever Mastermoshai finds a little time, he comes and sits with me. He has a certain power; he can place the mind upon such a peak that, from there, I can see the entire circumference of